First Mother's Day

Today was my first Mother's Day! Dave and I agreed not to go overboard for each other for Mother's/Father's Day gifts...after all, it's supposed to be up to the children! But I still had a lovely day. We went to church and enjoyed the sunshine afterwards:

I relaxed afterwards by making brunch for 7 — still more fun than waiting to eat overpriced and mediocre brunch out at some restaurant!

My mom demanded pictures with her three grandchildren. I noticed that she didn't request a picture with me.

The present that I wanted from Dave was some family time, just the 3 of us. We very rarely spend time together these days. Whenever one of us is with M., the other is trying to work; and when M. is asleep, that's really the time to be productive! So we did something unusual today to mark Mother's Day: we explored a nearby park together! It has a nice playground, and a pool and different rec courts, and even a nature trail! I'm looking forward to going back to walk the nature trail in the summer. And hopefully once Dave's grant is in, we'll have more opportunities to enjoy time together.

But for all the joy, it is sorrowful, too. We were in Canada last weekend for my grandmother's funeral, and this is our first Mother's Day without her. I would have expected to call her this year, and we'd put each of her great-grandchildren on the phone, and she would love to hear their voices. I already miss her so much.

A new era dawns

And it is the era of solids! Well, "solids." I diluted this oatmeal cereal with so much breastmilk that it was practically a liquid. I couldn't quite tell what M. thought about the whole business. She's been giving us lots of signals in recent weeks – looking with great interest as we eat, grabbing for food off my plate, making munching movements with her mouth while we chew. Today was mainly about introducing her to a spoon and having her experiencing a slightly different texture.

We got to use the personalized spoons that were a shower gift from Julie and Katie. They're engraved with our in utero nickname for M., Lumpy. I still love to call her Lumpy – Grumpy Lumpy, Slumpy Lumpy, Bumpy Lumpy, etc.

Here's the face of a girl who knows something good is about to happen:

"What is this strange sensation??"

Grabbing the spoon like it's a toy

"Nice."

We're excited to introduce her to solids, so that we can all share the family love for eating. I know it'll be a few more months before she's getting significant caloric intake from food, rather than from my milk, but I'm still astonished at how fast this has happened. Those early weeks in July when I was nursing 8x a day and pumping 8x a day are still so fresh in my memory. I was so determined to increase my milk supply for her; her need for me to provide her nourishment was so obvious. And now she's already moving on! I had never been much of a newborn person, but now I already miss her newborn days. No wonder people advise me to soak up every moment and enjoy every day. It all changes so quickly...

Happy Two Months, and One Long Day

This Thursday marked Maddie's two month milestone! I've tried to take a few pictures this week to capture her in this stage. She has so many different expressions, and they all make her look quite different!

Thursday was also the first day that I was away from her so that I could go to work. I had a certain meeting in the afternoon in Brooklyn, and I decided that since Dave was already staying home to look after M., I should hit my Manhattan office in the morning as well. I missed M. a lot, but she was spending all day with Dave, so I didn't feel bad about that! The day went off without any true disasters; it was just exhausting. I don't think I had really reckoned with what it means to have to pump at work, especially when you have a schlep like mine. Here's what the day's schedule looked like:
5:30 am: M. wakes up to nurse. It's too early; we both go back to sleep.
7:15 am: I wake up again, get ready for the day.
8 am: Pump
8:30 am: Leave house for train
9:30 am: Arrive in Manhattan office, settle in
10 am: Pump, then frantically read 70 student evaluations
12 noon: Pump
12:30 pm: Leave Manhattan office, on subway frantically type up major themes from evaluations to discuss for next year
1 pm: Lunch in Brooklyn with lead faculty member to debrief on summer and plan for next year, rush to subway to Brooklyn office
3:15 pm: Arrive at Brooklyn office, pump
3:40 pm: Arrive 10 minutes late to meeting
5 pm: Dash out of meeting, grab milk from student lounge refrigerator, get on subway
5:35 pm: Narrowly miss the train to Long Island, frantically write letter of recommendation while waiting for next train
6:07 pm: Get on train home
7:10 pm: Walk in the door, immediately nurse, say hi to Dave
7:30 pm: Dave leaves to go to his own work to finish experiment for subject, doesn't come home until 4 am that night

Phew! I hadn't realized how much time it takes to set up and take down the pumping equipment, find a private place to pump (I have have a shared office in Brooklyn), store and retrieve the milk, wash the pump parts, etc. Plus, I spent 4 hours of the day just in transit, whether on the LIRR, subway, or walking between destinations – I'll probably try to limit myself to one campus per day in the future. I wish there were something I could do about the commute time, but I think we've already optimized that for the foreseeable future.

But I got to stay home and recover on Friday, and I am only going to work one day a week for the next several weeks. What is it like doing this 5 days a week? Or what does it feel like if you don't feel comfortable with your childcare arrangements? What if I didn't have such a supportive husband? I can't really imagine. No wonder moms are so exhausted! No wonder women give up on pumping, or give up on work altogether. I have been obsessively reading thinkpieces about motherhood and work, mothers in academia, the "baby penalty," etc. for years, but only now am I starting to see how complex all of these choices are...

Family Reunion 2016

We just returned from a lovely three days at my family reunion in upstate NY. This is my mom's side of the family, and there are a lot of us – over 60 made the trip for at least part of the week! We only caught the second half, but I'm so glad we had that time together.

The reunion was held at Camp-of-the-Woods, a Christian camp/retreat center in the Adirondacks. It was such a relief to escape the August heat at home and find ourselves in the cool mountains on a beautiful lake:

Dave and I even got to take a canoe out on the lake for a few minutes, while my cousin Jennifer took care of M.:

There was time for chapel, musical performances, family sharing, and athletic events. Dave played some 2-on-2 with my cousins; while they all fortunately avoided serious injury, Dave reports that he had never felt so winded before. Let's just say that no one is getting any younger.

And of course, we were thrilled to introduce little Maddie to her relatives. When we first walked in, a horde of children descended upon her:

And simultaneously arose a parents' chorus of, "Do not touch! Do NOT TOUCH the baby! Hey, did you hear what I said? Put your hands down!" Hahaha! Maddie endured the adoration with equanimity. One of my favorite moments: she got to meet the oldest member of our extended family, my Auntie Grace's mother, who is over 90 and whom we all call Po Po. Immediately afterwards, she met Rebecca, Po Po's great granddaughter, who had previously been the youngest in our clan.

Rebecca was very friendly and immediately recognized a kindred baby, pointing at Maddie and leaning over to look more intently.

As much as I enjoyed our trip, it was a little challenging. We were trying to adhere to an external schedule (mealtimes, meeting times) for the first time, while adapting our sleep arrangements to a new environment. I also just didn't really know what I was doing – I pumped more often for bottles for M., but then my body got out of sync with her hunger, leading to a lot more discomfort; the weather was either too hot or too cold, and I didn't know how to dress her; I completely forgot to bring a cap for any of her bottles, etc. Maddie was pretty good, but she did have one evening of inconsolable screaming, which alarmed me to no end. Here she is after she calmed down, feeling comfortable with her grandpa:

Our next family reunion (apart from weddings) is likely four-ish years away. Imagine how different M. will be by then! I'm so glad everyone got to see her when she was just an infant. And even though it was a bit of a hassle to travel while she is so young, I think it was good for me. Yes, we got a little off-kilter because of the travel, I leaked breastmilk on my shirt in public, we all lost sleep, and felt totally exhausted at the end. But now I feel a measure of confidence: all those things happened, and we still survived! So maybe I can leave my safe cocoon and controlled environment with M., and even when things don't go perfectly, it's still all right. This whole first-time parent thing sure takes some getting used to!

$$$Taxpayer Dollars$$$

This week, I finally walked over with Maddie to our local public library and signed up for an account. As I opened my wallet, I realized that the card slots were mostly full, and I'd have to move one card to the reserve/little-used interior pocket in order to make room for my new library card. With a pang, I demoted my New York Public Library card – a symbol of my urban intellectual life, the place where I conduct research – in favor of my Mineola card. Sigh. (Though I should note that this goes to show that I haven't used my NYPL card in months anyway...)

The good news is that my local library is pretty cool! Look at all the swag they've already given me:

I'm pretty sure M. doesn't need so much external encouragement regarding early literacy (lol, I'M HER MOM), but it's still nice to receive the support. After all, the property taxes in our county are OUTRAGEOUS, so I feel like I should use the library resources as much as possible.

To that end, M. and I attended our first "lapsit" class today. It's geared for 4-month-olds to 2-year-olds, so M. is totally too young. But I was invited to sign up, and so we went, and M. slept or stared at the ceiling while we sang songs, recited rhymes, and flapped our arms around in unison. Actually, I think she enjoyed hearing the sounds of other babies crying, laughing, and babbling. Plus, it's nice to get out of the house and walk to the park/library. As the months go by, I'm sure I'll find new ways to get my taxpayer dollars back from the library!

Action shot of M. spitting out her pacifier

Children Will Listen

Caring for Madeleine these days means I'm not getting any long stretches of sleep, but it's not too bad. Right now, our focus is on meeting her basic biological needs – nourishment, clean diapers, safe and comfortable sleeping space. We also enjoy stimulating her growing brain and comforting her with expressions of our love. We're not yet needing to make difficult choices, balancing trade-offs, uncertain about whether we're doing the best thing for her in the long run. Now THAT's the scary stuff.

I've had running in my mind a song from perhaps my favorite musical, Stephen Sondheim's Into the Woods. The song is "Children Will Listen," and here is an excerpt of the lyrics:

Careful the things you say
Children will listen
Careful the things you do
Children will see and learn
Children may not obey, but children will listen
Children will look to you for which way to turn

To learn what to be
Careful before you say "Listen to me"
Children will listen

Careful the wish you make
Wishes are children
Careful the path they take
Wishes come true, not free

Careful the spell you cast
Not just on children
Sometimes a spell may last
Past what you can see
And turn against you
Careful the tale you tell
That is the spell
Children will listen

Careful what you say
Children will listen
Careful you do them too
Children will see
And learn
Guide them, but step away
Children will glisten
Tamper with what is true
And children will turn
If just to be free
Careful before you say
"Listen to me"
Children will listen

It's a melancholy song, sung by a woman (a witch, a mother) full of regrets for the unforeseen consequences of her previous actions. Oh man, food for thought.

In the meantime, though, we're just enjoying the cuteness. Dave and I are learning how to bathe her:

Rinsing the shampoo

Dunking her bottom

Ah, so clean!

Happy one month!

It's hard to believe, but M. is already one month old! The past weeks have passed by in a total blur. I'll say it again: thank God for my mom and Dave! I don't know how I would have survived without their help and practical support. I am so in awe of all single mothers...let's give them all the help we can, folks!

M. continues to gain weight at a rapid clip – she's probably over 8 pounds already! At her lowest point, on June 29th, she was only 5 pounds, 7 ounces. So that's a lot of weight gain in less than a month. She's our CHAMPION BABYYYYY! We're learning more about her personality and temperament every day. While we were on the "triple feeding plan," she was being stuffed with breastmilk and formula, and I think that altered some of her regular behaviors; she fell asleep instantly after eating, was very difficult to rouse for the next feeding, wasn't awake too much, and hardly ever cried. Maybe this is all because it was the first two weeks of life, too. Now that she's exclusively breastfeeding, she is more like a normal baby: evening fussiness, waking and crying with hunger, more burps and spit up and sneezes. But she's really very accommodating and quite orderly, keeping herself on a fairly regular schedule and not complaining about anything too much. Like I said, CHAMPION BABY.

I posted earlier a favorite picture of her from July 2nd – and I tried to recreate it on July 24th, so we can compare how she's changing and growing. What do you think?

July 2

July 24

Can you see how much she has filled out? Her cheeks are full, and her chin less pointy. Her belly is fleshier, and especially around her shoulder, you can see how she doesn't have loose wrinkles but soft, plump shoulders – perfect for kissing! Also, she still has a huge bump on her skull in the earlier picture (top part of her head, laying on the sheet), which has completely disappeared in the second photo. Our Lumpy isn't so lumpy anymore! And this concludes the "Highlights for Children" magazine portion of this blog post.

Since I started making enough milk for M., a huge anxiety that has accompanied my inauguration into motherhood has been lifted. Hurray! But there have been other challenges. The nursing/sleeping schedule still feels pretty grueling to me, but I don't think that's actually been the hard part. The hard part is that the sleep deprivation really does interfere with my brain function. I have difficulty making simple decisions, and the weirdest part: I can't form short term memories. Everything has to be written down because I can't remember what happened or what people said to me. As someone who previously had a pretty "sticky" mind, this has been quite alarming. Minor example: I was buying something at CVS, and I saw that the bill came to $9.21. I pulled out a $20 bill and decided to count out some coins; but between looking at the number on the cash register and unzipping my wallet, I forgot the number and counted out 26 cents, and then was really surprised to get back a nickel with my change. Obviously not a big deal, but the kind of mistake that never would've happened previously!

It's also been startling to confront the biological differences between me and Dave. Okay, I mean, it should have already been obvious, but seriously: for a long time, we've been able to treat each other roughly as equals. Dave's busy season at work is when he's preparing a major grant submission, so I take over more of the household responsibilities; my busy season is while I'm teaching/directing my summer program, so Dave shoulders the bulk of the work at home. It's not that we split everything 50/50, but that we are able to accommodate each other and make trade-offs to support each other. But now, our responsibilities can't be traded off. Dave is very engaged and supportive, changing diapers, soothing M. to sleep, playing with her and introducing her to the world; he runs errands and makes dinner so that I can nap. I'm so grateful! But he also gets to sleep for eight-hour stretches, can leave the house to go to work all day, go to band rehearsal, has the cognitive capabilities to accomplish his responsibilities. Meanwhile, I'm spending hours every day in the same seat on the couch (where I nurse), have a hard time getting out of the house (in large part because of the heat wave these past few weeks), can barely write one email a day regarding work, and can't engage with my usual intellectual endeavors. I love being close to M. and spending time with her in this way; I know the time will pass so quickly, and I'm giving myself permission to not fret about work and just soak up our special moments together. But it's definitely a big change in Dave's and my relationship! Makes me wonder what other surprises are in store...

Input Output

Look at this little face!!!

The past week and a half has been pretty intense! On Madeleine's fifth day of life, she ended up back in the NICU. My milk hadn't come in, and she was jaundiced and dehydrated – the giant hematoma on her head didn't help, either. These are relatively easy, straightforward things to fix, of course, but I was still startled and upset. I had been feeding on demand, 10-12 times a day, just like I was supposed to, etc., etc., but it wasn't meeting her needs. She was under the lights for several hours and on an IV to increase her fluids; fortunately, she was able to come home about twenty four hours later.

The lactation consultant in the NICU sent us home with a program called "the triple feeding plan." At least every three hours, I was to nurse her, then someone else would supplement from a bottle with expressed breastmilk, then with formula. While that someone else was supplementing her, I would pump as much as I could. This was a multi-person job! I spent a lot of quality time with this hospital-grade, rental pump, the Medela Symphony:

It was exhausting. Nursing would take about 45 minutes, then I'd pump for another 45 minutes or so, leaving only about an hour and 15 minutes before the routine would begin again. In that time, I might try to eat, sleep, brush my teeth, etc.

The good news is that the program worked! My milk supply increased, we were able to scale back on supplementing, then cut out supplementation all together. I've been exclusively breastfeeding since Friday, M. is gaining weight really well, and I no longer have to pump at all! So the plan worked, and the Medela Symphony probably made it all happen. Thank you, Medela Symphony!

Okay, but that's not really accurate. The plan also worked because of all the support I have: Dave has been home from working, frantically writing emails and taking care of his studies in between feedings and diaper changes. Dave's cousin, Grace, is studying to be a lactation consultant in Texas, and she gave us great advice and helpful reassurance throughout the process; she also told me about the "hands on pumping" technique, which made a huge difference for me. My dad has come every weekend and taken his turn doing the late night bottle feedings and changings. And my mom has been here since M.'s birth, keeping us all alive. Mom has been providing me the perfect, nutritious diet for a nursing mother; she changes diapers, wakes the baby when it's time to nurse, helps me get her to latch, sings her songs and swaddles her properly, gives her baths and soothes her to sleep, does the laundry and runs the dishwasher, runs errands, and our tupperware cabinet is organized for the first time since we moved in. We wouldn't have made it without her.

There's so much anxiety and pressure around the importance of breastfeeding. I'm really grateful that after about ten days of intensive effort, we're back on track, and most importantly, Madeleine is thriving. Already from the very start of her life, I see how I alone cannot be adequate for her, but that she needs us all. A humbling, but important lesson!

Welcome, Madeleine!

Five days ago, our lives completely changed. Madeleine Florence H. arrived in the world!

She was due on July 3rd, but decided to make her entrance eight days early. She is already showing her considerate nature: she arrived over the weekend, so I wasn't at work, while my parents were already in town! When we went to sleep on Friday night, our main plan for Saturday was to clean up the apartment, finish decorating the nursery, and fix the screens on the balcony. Expectations = UNFULFILLED.

I awoke at 4 am on Saturday morning, thinking that I had to go to the bathroom. I soon felt what I would usually describe as menstrual cramps, and between 5 and 6 am, it dawned on me that perhaps I was in labor! I walked around to see if they would stop, but they didn't. By the time I woke Dave at 8 am, my contractions were coming about every 10 minutes. I had thought that I would spend several hours in that state, so Dave took care of some last minute details, and we planned to go for a walk later. But by 10:30 am, my contractions were 45-60 seconds long, 5 minutes apart, the threshold for going to the hospital. By the time we arrived, I was in a lot of pain. So I was shocked when the doctor told me that I was only 1 cm dilated and that I needed to go home, walk around, and labor elsewhere for several hours. Actually, I cried when I found out, because I already knew that I wasn't in good enough shape to walk around, and I didn't see how, if I already made the threshold for being at the hospital, I would know when I could come back.

So we went home discouraged, and I screamed a lot. Dave took patient care of me, but there wasn't much he could do. Those hours at home are a blur to me – in between contractions, I was so tired that my eyelids would close involuntarily and my mind would start to drift. After a few hours of this, I called the doctor and begged him to admit me to the hospital. He agreed, but he was unhappy about it: to start an epidural so early in the process increased my risk of c-section; if labor continued to go slowly, they would need to intervene, but I was not yet at my due date, etc. But I didn't really care at that point...I don't really remember getting to the hospital and being admitted. I think I was delirious at that point. Dave would ask me straightforward, yes-or-no questions like, "Do you want more water?" And I would say "MAYBE" or "I DON'T KNOW." Poor Dave.

Epidurals are manna from heaven, better than true love! I was shaking in agony, unable to process anything going on around me, in a complete fog; I had dilated to 3 cm, though, which was a good sign. Two minutes after the epidural went in, I was chatting with the anesthesiologist about the Common Core curriculum at the University of Chicago – I was back to my self again. Fifteen minutes after the epidural, though, baby's heartbeat dropped. A bunch of people rushed into the room, turned me to one side, then the other, put me on oxygen, got me on all fours, and after 7-8 minutes, baby's heartbeat returned to normal. The nurse told me they were about to take me to the OR for a c-section! After all that excitement, Dave and I took badly-needed naps while my contractions continued every 2-4 minutes.

So I was shocked when the doctor said at 7:30 pm that I was still only 3 cm dilated. Had my labor stalled? I had been in labor for 17 hours, but was not technically yet in active labor! The doctor broke my water and administered pitocin. By 9:15, I had dilated to 9 cm and was running a fever. It was time to prepare to push and get this baby into the world! The doctor and nurses gave me instructions and encouragement, I pushed for about an hour, and out came a whole little person! It wasn't easy; I had tearing and an episotomy, which took a long time to stitch up, and M. still has a big hematoma on her head from the delivery. But finally, at 10:27 pm, we were officially a family of three.

Because of my fever, M. was whisked away to the NICU for antibiotics and observation. She was back in our recovery room, though, by Sunday morning. Just in time to meet the family!

We were discharged from the hospital on the afternoon of Monday, June 27th. My mom is staying with us and keeping us all alive, while Dave is taking care of everything else. I'm trying to recover from labor and learn how to be a mother to a newborn. But we couldn't be happier or more enthralled with our little baby. Welcome, Madeleine!