A Baby Shower for Lumpy

A few weeks ago, my mom and sister-in-law planned a lovely baby shower for me and Lumpy! It was held at a country club in West Chester. I was very happy that a lot of my relatives and my mom's friends could make it, but it was a bit far from New York for most of my friends. The theme was Peter Rabbit! I'm fond of the children's book, plus it makes for a sweet theme for spring. Grace came up with lots of charming decorating ideas, centered around vegetables and gardens:

The carrot party favor bags were filled with pretzels, and all the children got to take home a miniature Beatrix Potter story book. My mom designed the centerpieces with spring blooms and edible garnishes. Peter Rabbit would have munched away with delight.

Mrs. Carlson shared a special blessing on our gathering and little Lumpy:

I was glad Dave's mom and sister could attend!

We had a few activities: the mothers in attendance shared their parenting wisdom with me; we also participated in a Peter Rabbit quiz (which was not very easy) and folks tried to guess my preferences about which traits Lumpy will inherit from each of her parents.

A group of my friends were able to make the trip to help us celebrate! Look at our smiles:

And here we are, expecting mother and father:

It's funny – at the time of the shower, Lumpy's arrival still seemed quite far off. But now that I'm almost to 34 weeks, I feel that that's really changed! Now when people ask me about the due date, I can answer "around 6 weeks from now," which really puts it in perspective. We still have loads to do to prepare for Lumpy, and we're both trying to get a lot of work done now in anticipation of our productivity dipping (forever). But I just keep trying to remember that Lumpy won't care if the nursery has coordinated furniture, a hand-painted mural on the wall, and the latest in adorable baby gear; she'll just need to be fed, put to sleep properly, kept clean and warm, and loved and cherished. With the help of our families and friends, I think we can manage that! Now, if only I can manage the next several weeks...

HE'S HERE!

The day has finally arrived: Dave has moved to New York! We are finally living together in the same household. He arrived late on Saturday night, and since then, we've been busy unpacking and organizing and getting used to being together again. I've been going nuts the past two weeks, just waiting for our time apart to be over at last. Let's hope this is the last post I can tag "long distance." Hurray!!

He's already getting to work:

And being a great uncle:

Time to say goodbye...

...to Michigan! Dave brought nearly all of our furniture to NY last weekend in a moving truck, and I drove him back to Ann Arbor, where we've been this past week. He still has another 3 weeks of work left here, and I'm heading back to the east coast tomorrow. But while I was here, we had a chance to visit old haunts and relive favorite traditions.

Perhaps you'll recall previous posts about our Annual Fitness Day. We usually try our attempts at athletic glory in the summer, but with being apart and being exhausted from work, we didn't manage it. We did get to the park for an hour this week, though, for some tennis, baseball, catch, frisbee, and football. Here I am, demonstrating my best Little League pose:

We returned to the restaurant, Cafe Zola, where we first met (over brunch with mutual friends in Spring 2007) and went on our first date (in March 2009) and ate on the day of our engagement (May 2012). The food is tasty, but kind of overpriced. Ugh, brunch.

And my favorite Michigan tradition of all: getting in the car and taking a day trip to random places in the state and surrounding areas. This week's destination: Grand Rapids! We went to the Meijer Sculpture Garden, which was very well done. We enjoyed exploring the gardens, admiring/mocking the sculptures, and soaking up the last bits of Michigan summer.

This GIANT bronze horse is the realization of an idea originally proposed by Leonardo da Vinci.

 Yeah, neuron!

"The Director"

It's not our final Michigan adventure, I'm sure, but it was the last that will begin and end in our Ann Arbor condo. There's a part of me that's sad to leave, but I'm also so eager for our lives together to begin in New York. I only have to be patient for another three weeks, but it's hard to keep it together. One final push...

#projecthappyhome

Dave and I formally moved into our new apartment this past weekend! Except that Dave is back to Michigan for another few weeks, then he'll bring the rest of our furniture, then back to Michigan for another few weeks, etc. etc. But I'm thrilled to be in our new place and making a home together.

My ideas about living together in a new marriage are strongly shaped by a conversation I had back in the summer of 2002. I was living in New York City with my church "big sis" Kim and her husband Chun. They had recently moved into a beautiful 2-bedroom 2-bath, which had just been renovated under their supervision. As Chun was showing me around the apartment, he commented, "There are two bathrooms, and some people might say, 'I'll design one bathroom, and you can design the other, and that way we won't fight.' But I think that that's not what marriage is about! So we designed both bathrooms together, and both reflect the two of us. It wasn't as easy, but now they're ours."

It's an inspiring little anecdote, and I don't think we're being exactly as egalitarian in the shaping of our spaces. In fact, Dave gets a whole closet just for him...in the garage! What a lucky guy. But it's fun to think about how we can create a home that suits us both. I wish that we didn't have to cram all the decision-making in to one weekend here and there, and that we could browse a store leisurely and have less goal-oriented conversations. But hey, we have a beautiful place, just 5 minutes from Stephen and Grace, and we'll be living together permanently by November!

In today's #projecthappyhome update: with a lot of help from my mom and dad, we installed blinds and shades in all the windows. I am unreasonably excited about this development!

the End!

Never has the end of summer looked so good to me. At last, I can say that I have survived my first year on the job! My summer program ended last week, and although there were a number of bumps and hiccups along the way, we all managed to make it to the end in one piece. It was a hard slog (as evidenced by the recent dearth of posts). Looking back, I was probably overly ambitious in deciding to take on learning and teaching a new curriculum at the program at the same time as I was also directing for the first time. Ah well. I think it was worth it, and next year will be better all around, I expect.

Now that the program is over, I can look ahead and rejoice in the months to come. Dave and I found a beautiful new apartment, just 1.5 mi from Stephen and Grace. I can walk to a train station with a great train schedule, and Dave will have convenient highway access for his driving commute. We'll both still have long commutes, but we'll see if we can make it work. Dave doesn't start his new job full-time until November 1, but we'll be able to be back and forth together sometimes, which will make things much easier. Our apartment has a guest room and plenty of space, so, loyal readers: come visit us, please!

Here are a few snapshots from my summer program:

Caffeine was necessary. My mug is on the left; my colleague's on the right. Do you like my "Mr. Tea" infuser? I kept by my vow to stick with tea (not coffee) all summer!

 We discovered the über-pretzel at Reichenbach Hall. It was as glorious as it looks.

 Students compete with faculty in our annual verb-conjugation throwdown.

 Students decipher the text on a manuscript.

Students check out the real deal at the Morgan Library and Archives.

AT LAST

I couldn't be more giddy to announce that Dave signed a contract this morning for a tenure-track position in Long Island! I feel like we just won the lottery – two tenure track jobs, near New York City, close to both our families. It was quite stressful and up-and-down with negotiations down to the wire, so it's a relief that Dave has made a final decision and signed on the dotted line.

In an uncharacteristic anticipatory act, Dave and I explored the campus during his last visit here:

I'm sure that Dave will find different challenges and difficulties in his new position, but I'm also optimistic that the move will provide him new opportunities to grow. The next few years, as we both develop our tenure files, will involve a lot of work. But at least we'll be together!

I've said many times that I've felt like our marriage hasn't fully begun yet, that we've been treading water and looking to the future. And now the future is here! And things will (hopefully) come together quickly – I want to start looking at nearby apartments soon, and Dave has already started packing up his stuff in Michigan. And once we get settled into a place together (late August, early September?), you'll all have to come visit us! (I promise we'll be not-too-far from the city!)

Rummy and Me

Donald Rumsfeld '54 attended Reunions this year and marched with his class in kimono and all:

(Picture from the Daily Prince twitter account: @princetonian)

I never thought I would say this, but I've got Rummy on the mind. Especially this oft-mocked quote:

Reports that say there's -- that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things that we know that we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don't know we don't know.

(People gave him such a hard time for saying this, but I must say, the ideas are perfectly clear and well-expressed. Sure, the use of some synonyms might have helped him out a bit. But I'd rather see everyone else get used to the verbal adjective. We had to translate this passage into Latin in my prose composition course in graduate school, which was fairly straightforward compared to the quote from George W. Bush that was also assigned.)

Okay, the context: Dave is in negotiation with two different schools in the NY area! I'm so proud to say that he was awarded a major federal grant for his research a few weeks ago. Now it's time to decide what place will be the home for his research for the next several years. We've got some known knowns: physical location, commute times, dollar figures (well, the last bit is being worked out, but we should know eventually). There are some known unknowns, too (colleagues' personalities, arrival times of promised technical equipment, my future feelings about my current job). But what about the unknown unknowns? Or even the unknown knowns (if you buy Žižek's extension of the argument) – those assumptions and beliefs which we refuse to recognize within ourselves?

Fortunately, this is a decision of no geopolitical consequence, nor will any lives be saved or lost by this. I'm just reminded now of how often we must make a leap with our big decisions. You can't really know what makes a college a good fit for you until you're done with college; same with graduate school. Let's not even talk about major career changes, marriage, children! I suppose this is what makes new steps exciting...but I am also becoming more risk-averse with time. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what our options are, and then decide on what seems best right now...

Post-scriptum: Since I mentioned Žižek above, I here give you one of my top 10 favorite Onion gags. I don't know why, but I can't stop laughing at it:

just do it

We all know Nike's slogan: Just do it. I can't procrastinate any longer or ignore my impending move to the east coast. Vacation is over, and I have to pack up my belongings, pick up the moving truck, and make room in my brain for the trappings of a new life. I have to confront and accept some painful circumstances: I'm going to be living apart from Dave for at least several months.

In some ways, it's a relief that things are really starting up. There's no more looking back, and I doubt there will be time for mulling over my regrets. I am feeling a bit better about my current situation. Dave has some bites in his job hunt; I can live temporarily with family while I wait for Dave's employment situation to be resolved; I'm really looking forward to getting back into teaching.

I've been contemplating recently the phenomenon of having regrets: it's a real luxury. The fact that I can regret my job decisions means that I had choices at one point, that I can imagine (and believe I "deserve") a different life. How many people are so trapped in difficult situations that they cannot even picture an alternative? Of course, my regrets also depend upon an illusion, for surely my vision of the life resulting from a different choice is overly rosy and excludes the real challenges and problems I would have faced.

I like to think of myself as a pragmatist. So for 2014, I want to accept the consequences of my choices, whether I expected them or not, and learn to manage. I guess this is what they call "growing up."

Ups and Downs

I returned with Dave to Michigan three days ago. I was overjoyed to be reunited with him, and felt such lightness on our ten-hour drive back. Who knew I would ever be so happy to be in Michigan? My first three years of graduate school here were miserable. I still remember that sinking feeling in my chest every time I would pilot my car onto the "PA Turnpike West" ramp, after a visit home. How could I belong in a place with such squat buildings, flat landscapes, and provincial norms? Now the universe has the last laugh – what a thrill to have a large apartment, clean air, plentiful parking, and friendly strangers! Haha, silly me.

I busied myself with unpacking, getting back into the swing of my research projects, and cooking for Dave. I thought that the anxieties and tears of the past several weeks were left behind, at least for the next few months! But they came roaring back last night. Just when I thought I could start sleeping deeply and restfully again, I had a four-hour session of sleeplessness over job worries. How to solve the seemingly intractable issues at work? How to balance my need to be productive in my research now while also moving my agenda forward in New York? How to ensure that Dave and I will be settled in the same place as soon as possible?

Dave always reminds me to make the most of each moment and to take everything day-by-day. My insomnia last night is evidence that this doesn't come easily to me. Suggestions, friends?

study in contrasts

I'm still getting used to my new academic home. Something that continues to surprise me every day is the contrast between the area just outside of campus and the campus itself. Here's what you see when you step off the subway, just two blocks from the campus gate:

 It's a little...scruffy.

Step inside, though:

The campus isn't large, but they've certainly given it that "collegiate" feel.

 This is the "lily pond," which is overlooked by a large windowed reading room in the library. Guess where you would find me, if I were still an undergrad!

 

tension

These days I'm feeling pulled in too many different directions. In each choice, both alternatives are desirable and plausible, and balance is elusive. This makes me very uncomfortable – I much prefer to evaluate the possibilities, select the best one, devise a plan of implementation, and then put it into action! I feel competent and effective, each step an imposition of my will on the world.

But now I feel paralyzed about major decisions involving career strategy and my personal life. I feel my lack of experience and wisdom so acutely. I've spent nearly my entire adulthood in school, which always provided me with an obvious step-by-step script to follow. But now I find myself in an unusual job – not only am I confused, but no one can advise me about how things "should" go or what the expectations for me are. My position is awkward because I am an assistant professor in one department, but I also direct a language program (LP) in a different location. I am to be evaluated in my performance at both aspects. Here are some areas in which I feel indecisive:

Conflict #1: What to do this fall?

• A. I should remain, or at least spend a significant amount of time, in NYC for my research time (Oct.-Dec.) in order to keep the ball rolling at the language program. When I'm physically away, important program priorities may stall, and as Director, I'm responsible for seeing them through. This will make the spring semester a lot easier to handle.

OR

• B. I should return to Michigan to live with my husband! I'm a newlywed, I'm miserable when we're apart, and this is an important opportunity to take advantage of. Also, as an assistant professor, it's imperative that I protect my research time in order to publish, publish, publish.

Conflict #2: Where to live?

• A. Because Dave is still seeking employment in the metropolitan area, I should avoid paying a broker's fee and signing a lease as long as possible. He could get a job in New Jersey or Connecticut or upper Manhattan, which would greatly affect where we live. By waiting to see what happens, I invest in the idea that we will be living together soon, a hope I must nurture to stay sane.

OR

• B. I should invest in a place and a neighborhood so that I can feel more settled and happy. I'm a nesting-type person, and my mental health will improve when I have a place that meets my needs, even if I find it problematic and expensive later to be locked into a location that turns out not to be suitable.

Conflict #3: Where should I spend my time at work in NYC? Nothing can replace the serendipitous interactions that arise from simply "being around."

• A. I should focus on putting in face time in my own department. This was the advice of a friend who just finished his first year on the tenure-track. These are the people who will mentor me towards tenure and vote on my tenure file, and this is where my primary appointment lies.

OR

• B. I should focus on putting in face time in the location of the LP, which is in a different borough from my department. This was the advice of the previous director of the program. A lack of personal connections at the location of the LP has been detrimental for the program, and one of my big priorities is raising our profile and emphasizing our benefit to the larger institution. 

 Advice? Obvious answers? If you've got 'em, I want to hear 'em!

East Coast Arrival

Dave and I drove to Brooklyn last week, and I'm starting to get settled in. A dear friend from college is allowing me to sublet from her during the next several weeks. While Dave was still in town, we spent time with our families, a big reason for looking forward to moving to New York. We spent a night with his parents, and then headed down to see my family in Pennsylvania.

It was a very West Chester weekend! This necessarily entails tons of good eating (thanks to my mom and her garden):

Lobster Cobb salad! Homegrown beans! Fresh popovers! Steak!

Our visit to WC coincided with the presence of my favorite niece, the Florette. She has become so outgoing and smiley and fun! She also knows how to water the plants:

Although an expert gardener, she is still learning to share.

 "Will you please share a raspberry with Auntie K?" "Hmmmm..."

"Nah, I think I prefer not to!"

The time to leave the countryside came all too quickly, and now I'm back in the city, and off to work!

Bittersweet

Summer in this college town is drawing to a close. I'm seeing lots of U-Haul trucks in the student residence areas, more professors in their offices, more emails in my inbox. I'm starting to get ready to move on – with the help of a little push from my old university! This week, my dear alma mater <cough> began to cut me off. My laptop stopped connecting to the campus wi-fi; my carrel is being repossessed by the library. And I'm now consistently greeted in the hallways with the well-meaning questions, "What are you still doing around here?" "Aren't you leaving soon?"

Humphrey the Thesis Carrel Camel has abandoned his old post.

Today I returned my last library books and gutted my desk in the shared graduate student offices. I haven't worked there for years (our department library is so much lovelier), but there's a new finality to the acknowledgement that I must clear my space so that an incoming graduate student can occupy it. Isn't that the strange thing about schools? That consistent turnover is desirable, a sign that students have properly progressed to the point where they can leave.

I'm comforted by the knowledge that I will soon get new wi-fi passwords, new interlibrary loan privileges, a new I.D. Still, it stings just a bit to recognize that I must make way for others to take my place.

on pigeon-holes

I began my experiment with blogging about a year ago, intending to chronicle a year of many changes. Indeed, I completed my degree, found a job, and got married! I had thought that by this point – having navigated the title-change from A.B.D. to professor, and bride to newlywed – I would have arrived, sitting pretty, smugly secure. But it turns out that a new set of liminal spaces awaited: adjusting to a new stage in my personal life, shuttling back and forth between my old home and new job, becoming a "real professor," and learning how to handle major leadership responsibilities. And until my brand-new husband finds a job near mine, how could I possibly feel settled?

So I find myself in yet another in-between place. This makes me uncomfortable. I love ordering the universe through reliable categories! I like the way Robert Darnton put it in his discussion of the subversive power of Diderot's Encyclopedie:

Pigeon-holing is therefore an exercise in power. A subject relegated to the trivium rather than the quadrivium, or to the "soft" rather than the "hard" sciences, may wither on the vine. A mis-shelved book may disappear forever. An enemy defined as less than human may be annihilated. All social action flows through boundaries determined by classification schemes, whether or not they are elaborated as explicitly as library catalogues, organization charts, and university departments. (The Great Cat Massacre, 1984)

Unfortunately, I'm beginning to realize that I may never achieve that longed-for sense of "settled," "achievement," "permanency," safety in my own little pigeon-hole. So this is adult life, huh?