An analogy I've been using lately to describe how I feel about my work is, "I feel like I'm being crushed like a bug." The combination of feeling burdensome responsibility without concomitant authority makes me feel weak and insignificant, powerless to push back against the forces pressing me into the ground.
Sarah, ever the innovative encourager, advised me not to think about myself as just any bug, but as a cockroach. That's right – they're impossible to kill, difficult to crush, and skillful evaders of danger (but too gross for illustrating in this post).
In high school, we caught a cockroach in the hallway (plenty to choose from!) and put it in a bell jar vacuum in the physics closet. We sucked all the air out of its spiracles and watched it collapse. We went to work on a project, came back a half hour later, released the vacuum, and then stared slack-jawed as the cockroach. came. back. to. life. With great respect, we released it back into the hallway.
I've frequently felt over the past few months that there's something pressing against my chest, making it difficult for me to breathe. Sure, maybe that's a minor panic attack. Or maybe it's just the staging ground for an incredible comeback, à la vacuumed cockroach! Okay, no one actually believes it's the latter, but I am really taken with Sarah's suggestion. I don't need to be a graceful dragonfly or stunning butterfly, elegant and attractive. This doesn't need to be a narrative of victory and glorious triumph. I just need to survive, and maybe that is more possible than I realize right now.
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hahaha! so true. I need to embrace my mother's encouragement that most people are bad at their jobs and yet manage to get by. just gotta lower my expectations! ;)
ReplyDeleteOK, I tried twice to Google the image of the cockroach overlooking a nuclear blast, but couldn't get past the series of cockroach close-ups that came up first. Being a wimp this way, I'll talk about another image that my mom likes because it's what her name means: water lily. Evidently, the story (at least in Taiwan) was that these will survive and be beautiful, even in the filthiest of environments. (I've Googled it and it's not quite the epitome of all this, but there's some truth to it.) Maybe the bug analogy is more apt for how you feel right now. However, bearing with this lily one for a moment, I can also see you eventually flourishing and even cleaning the water around you (which some people say these lilies do) in whatever swampy little pond of _____ in which you find yourself.
ReplyDeletelove the water lily imagery! thanks for sharing. how awesome that that is your mom's name!
Deletethat's right! cockroach power!
ReplyDeletecockroach power hahahhahaah! sarah, best metaphor ever. Go Katie go!!! (also, I had to google "spiracles" :P) Cockroach resurrection, powerful demonstrator of life...
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