tension

These days I'm feeling pulled in too many different directions. In each choice, both alternatives are desirable and plausible, and balance is elusive. This makes me very uncomfortable – I much prefer to evaluate the possibilities, select the best one, devise a plan of implementation, and then put it into action! I feel competent and effective, each step an imposition of my will on the world.

But now I feel paralyzed about major decisions involving career strategy and my personal life. I feel my lack of experience and wisdom so acutely. I've spent nearly my entire adulthood in school, which always provided me with an obvious step-by-step script to follow. But now I find myself in an unusual job – not only am I confused, but no one can advise me about how things "should" go or what the expectations for me are. My position is awkward because I am an assistant professor in one department, but I also direct a language program (LP) in a different location. I am to be evaluated in my performance at both aspects. Here are some areas in which I feel indecisive:

Conflict #1: What to do this fall?

• A. I should remain, or at least spend a significant amount of time, in NYC for my research time (Oct.-Dec.) in order to keep the ball rolling at the language program. When I'm physically away, important program priorities may stall, and as Director, I'm responsible for seeing them through. This will make the spring semester a lot easier to handle.

OR

• B. I should return to Michigan to live with my husband! I'm a newlywed, I'm miserable when we're apart, and this is an important opportunity to take advantage of. Also, as an assistant professor, it's imperative that I protect my research time in order to publish, publish, publish.

Conflict #2: Where to live?

• A. Because Dave is still seeking employment in the metropolitan area, I should avoid paying a broker's fee and signing a lease as long as possible. He could get a job in New Jersey or Connecticut or upper Manhattan, which would greatly affect where we live. By waiting to see what happens, I invest in the idea that we will be living together soon, a hope I must nurture to stay sane.

OR

• B. I should invest in a place and a neighborhood so that I can feel more settled and happy. I'm a nesting-type person, and my mental health will improve when I have a place that meets my needs, even if I find it problematic and expensive later to be locked into a location that turns out not to be suitable.

Conflict #3: Where should I spend my time at work in NYC? Nothing can replace the serendipitous interactions that arise from simply "being around."

• A. I should focus on putting in face time in my own department. This was the advice of a friend who just finished his first year on the tenure-track. These are the people who will mentor me towards tenure and vote on my tenure file, and this is where my primary appointment lies.

OR

• B. I should focus on putting in face time in the location of the LP, which is in a different borough from my department. This was the advice of the previous director of the program. A lack of personal connections at the location of the LP has been detrimental for the program, and one of my big priorities is raising our profile and emphasizing our benefit to the larger institution. 

 Advice? Obvious answers? If you've got 'em, I want to hear 'em!